The Numbness Of Life
by Anya3
Summary: Ginny reflects on her life with Harry eight years after her graduation. Not a happy fic...


Title: The Numbness of Life
    Author: Anya
    Rating: R
    Disclaimer: Once more, everyone! I. Don't. Own. ANYTHING.
    Summery: Ginny reflects on her life with Harry and the life
    she leads. This is all in Ginny's POV. Seven years after
    her graduation from Hogwarts. Ginny is 25, Harry and the
    others are 26.
    ***********************************************************
    His eyes are so different than I remember them being
    when we first met. I remember exactly how they looked the
    first time I saw him, but they were colder, not as experienced,
    and they certainly held none of the emotions I now see in
    them, all directed at me...
    But I'm getting ahead of myself. This isn't the
    boy I knew from Hogwarts. He is very different. So are all
    of the others I knew. But how could I have ever seen this?
    How could I have predicted that everything I dreamed of
    when I was a young girl in Hogwarts, the love, the want,
    everything that I ever wanted with Harry would ever come
    true?
    But then again, how could I ever guess it would
    all come crashing down as well?.....
    I feel his lips on mine again, moving gently but
    urgently and I can tell that he needs this kiss. This isn't
    just some casual sex to him anymore, its something so much
    more. And I can't lie either.
    Harry is a wonderful husband and I've loved him
    very much. Loved. I don't know if it's even possible for
    me to any longer. I cannot love someone who is never around
    to be loved. I remember when he first asked me out. When
    he first kissed me. When he finally asked me to marry him
    on my graduation day, one year after his. Ron was so happy.
    Hermione and he had already been married only a month after
    their own graduation, unable to wait. It wasn't hard to
    imagine the tremenous amount of love they had for each other.
    Their four children show that. And as i've heard it, Hermione
    is again expecting another one to add to the family.
    And I know I'm jealous. I'm jealous of what she
    has that I know might never be mine. Harry and I haven't
    even tried, in eight years, we haven't even tried once.
    He always remembers the conception reduction spell to make
    sure that I dont get pregnant. But I'm not that young any
    longer. I want children. Watching Ron have a family has
    made me want one even more than ever, but Harry is hardly
    ever around to love me, let alone love a child. And I don't
    think he's going to be happy when he finds out that I am
    pregnant, after all this time. And if that isn't bad enough
    to make him upset, the fact that it's not his should
    ......
    I guess I should explain. Almost a year and a half
    ago was when I saw him again. It wasn't hard to see that
    he was different. He didn't even try to insult me or my
    husband or my former family name. His hair was all shaggy
    and grown, unkept and dirty. His clothes were completely
    messed up and he was sitting in a bar that I frequently
    went into for an afterwork drink, drowning himself in a bottle
    of Oden's Firewhiskey. He didn't even notice i'd sat beside
    him for nearly ten minutes before he turned to look at me.
    His eyes were so blank then, so empty and tired. I remember
    when he first said my name. Not 'Weasley' or
    'Weaslett'.
    He called me Ginny. The first time i'd ever heard him say
    my name...
    We talked for nearly an hour before I had to get
    home else Harry start to worry about me. Not that he himself
    wasn't home till another three hours later that night. We'd
    agreed to meet there, so we did, everyday after my work
    got off and talked for hours.
    I don't even remember how it started. I just remember
    kissing him and then being somewhere i'd never been before.
    His home, a small apartment just outside London. It had
    been the most wonderful sex i'd ever had. Thats all it was
    though. Sex.
    Harry was a wonderful lover, don't get me wrong
    but everything with him wasn't about the emotions any longer,
    it was simply about getting to the end, finishing what we
    were there to do.
    But with this man, it was different. He needed this.
    He needed me. Harry never did. He never needed anything
    or anyone, I was just there. I'm not even sure anymore if he
    really loved me...if he did, I don't think it was very strong.
    He settled. And now I believe that I settled as well.
    
    I look up at him and see him smile gently as he
    moves into me, a soft groan escaping his lips as he fills
    me with himself. His eyes never close though. They watch
    me. They are always watching me. He leans down and kisses
    me deeply before moving his mouth to my neck.
    I don't know where the tears come from, but I'm
    crying, my head turned away, silent tears falling onto the
    pillow we've shared for over a year now. I don't let him
    see them, but he knows they are there. He's asked me about
    them before, but I only stay quiet and look away. I don't
    talk much anymore. Nothing to say.
    The tears are tears I've never cried before. Maybe
    they are tears of loss, of knowing that one day, im going
    to have to lose one of the two men I love. I'm going to lose
    things I've wanted all my life. Or maybe they are tears
    of the loss I bare of my emotions. I cry but I never feel
    it. Never actually feel the emotion that comes with it.
    I feel so empty sometimes, but then I look into his eyes,
    run my fingers through his hair and think that maybe there
    is a reason that it took so long, that all of this is happening,
    that everything in my life is falling apart...
    
    I look up to meet his eyes again, letting him see
    the tears clearly this one time, watching as his brow furrows,
    confused before kissing my eyes, moving deeper, finding
    his release, my own following not long behind.
    
    We are lying here, my head on his chest and I can feel
    his hand moving slowly up and down the bareness of the skin on
    my back. And I look up at him once more to stare into his face.
    To see the bright blond shocks of his hair, ragged and long, but
    tamer than before, his sad face, no smile no frown. And his
    eyes, his deep blue eyes that look at me with something
    I dont think i've ever cared to see before.
    I'm not sure how it happened, but now I know. I love
    him. And he loves me. It's not a love that you know from
    fairy tales or stories. It's not true love. It's a love
    that could not be stopped, a love that in the end will destroy
    us. A love that isn't meant to be, but cannot be helped.
    But life will not let me deny the love that I now
    hold for the man before me. So now here I lie, staring at
    the door and at the man that is now standing in the doorway,
    a shocked expression on his face before it goes cold and
    emotionless like my own. Draco is still stroking my back
    and I know by the pause that he saw Harry in the doorway.
    This...is where hell begins, this is where everything
    changes. And it is now that I wonder just where everything
    went so wrong...
    FIN
    


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